"Keeping the Love Boat Afloat"

“Marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other human relationship. Yet some married couples fall short of their full potential. They let their romance become rusty, take each other for granted, allow other interests or clouds of neglect to obscure the vision of what their marriage really could be. Marriages would be happier if nurtured more carefully.”-President Russell M. Nelson

How easy it is to let our romances become “rusty”, to neglect our spouses, and to stop nurturing our relationship with our spouse. It can happen so quickly and without us even noticing, and before we even know it, we are hardly spouses at all, and are more like ships passing in the night. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can make little adjustments in our ships course, and be sailing off into the sunset, easily navigating over the waves that life inevitable sends our way. These course corrections are easy to make, it is the little, day to day interactions where the greatest opportunities for nurturing occurs. It is in the simple act of service, such as ironing your spouse’s shirt, or making the bed. It is in the simple kiss on the cheek. It is in the unexpected phone call in the middle of the work day. It’s remembering that your spouse might have had a hard day, and bringing their favorite treat home for them. Marriages do not have to take a lot of work, but they do have to be cared for and nurtured…constantly.

Having been married for over 20 years, and having six children, the opportunities to drift apart have been countless. Especially during our childbearing years. One of greatest challenges in our marriage was actually my pregnancies. I had very challenging pregnancies, and spent many weeks/months in and out of the hospital, and when I wasn’t in the hospital I was on home IV’s and had an in-home nurse. This meant that I was not able to do much nurturing, or connecting….I was out. of. commission! However, in the wake of these trying months it was the love maps that kept us afloat. It was my husband’s selfless acts, and being keenly aware of what I was feeling and needing, even though he wasn’t getting too much in return. Through some of those times the best I could do was muster up the energy to call him at work and tell him I loved him, and that was it, as talking created a sudden onset of nausea; I literally could not talk for more than 30 seconds at a time without vomiting.  But through those very brief phone calls my husband  knew that I was thinking of him, and loved him dearly. He was so selfless and patient ,and because of this we grew closer to one another. Another contributing factor that I know pulled us through those rough waters were the constant prayers I offered for my husband. In a time when I couldn’t do much else, I knew I could pray for my dear husband.

As I listened to these words below, from President Eyring’s “Our Perfect Example”, the spirit bore witness to me that those prayers I offered all those years ago are still blessing our marriage today….”Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.”

I testify, that if there are times in your marriage when you feel there is nothing more that you can do to bless your marriage…pray. Pray for your spouse. Pray to see your spouse how our Father in Heaven does. Pray to lessen the load of your spouse. Just pray. The heavens will open, heal, and redirect your ship.

Charity Never Faileth

In the book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD he says, “He is entrusting the work of ministering to those whom He knows and trusts, those who have made covenants with Him. He promises you and me that, when He comes again, He will repay anything we invest in helping and healing His children.”

As I read that quote I was reminded of the story that Elder Wirthlin shared in his talk, “The Great Commandment”. In this talk he shares the story of an elderly couple who had been married for several decades. As they aged the woman began to lose her sight, and wasn’t able to take care of herself and her appearance as she once did. So, the husband, without being asked started painting her nails for her. This made her smile and because he would do anything to make her happy he continued this service for the next five years until she passed away. This is such an endearing story to me, and one that is filled with charity and the pure love of Christ.

As I reflect on my own marriage, it fills me with joy to know that when the time comes, and my husband and I are aging and struggling to fulfill daily tasks, I know without a doubt that we will be able to find ways to provide similar services to one another, as the couple in that story.

I have found in our twenty years of marriage that it is not the grandiose gifts, the trips to exotic places, or even dinners out that has united us or brought us to know that we love one another. It has been the small acts of service that has meant the most. It is the times that my husband does the dishes, reads a bedtime story to the kids, folds the laundry, fills my car up with gas, brings in a single flower from the garden, and so on. It is those small acts of charity that have become some of the greatest investment we have made in our marriage.

What are ways that you have seen charity in your marriage or the marriage of someone you know?

They Were Aware of the Intent of Their Enemy

"Therefore the people of the Nephites were aware of the intent of the Amlicites, and therefore they did prepare to meet them; yea, they did arm themselves with swords, and with cimeters, and with bows, and with arrows, and with stones, and with slings, and with all manner of weapons of war, of every kind."  Alma 2:12

We are engaged in a war against the enemy who is trying to destroy the sanctity of marriage and family from every angle. Satan desires nothing more than for us to be “miserable like unto himself” (2 Ne. 2:27 (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.). We have what he will never - a body and a family.

We are aware of the intent of our enemy, but what are we doing to fortify our marriages and families?!

As a take a look back on my own marriage of twenty years, I can see the times where we were not doing our part to strengthen our marriage, and the weakness that created in our fortress. It was easier for us to slip into poor habits, to be short with one another, to find fault in one another quickly, and to lack a desire to do better. Satan is clever and will slowing pull us away from one another and from the Father if we allow him to create and grow weaknesses in our fortress. 

President Spencer W. Kimball teaches us, "Some think of happiness as a glamorous life of ease, luxury, and constant thrills; but true marriage is based on a happiness which is more than that, one which comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness." In a day and age where we can quickly compare our boring and mundane lives to those of our peers seemingly glamorous lives, via social media, it can become even more challenging to find the joy in our own marriages and lives. But, if we follow the counsel of President Kimball and seek opportunities to serve, share and sacrifice for one another we will be able to find a deeper and more lasting joy and bond with our spouse and loved ones. 

Again, while we know what the intent of our enemy is, how are we going to be like the Nephites and prepare ourselves and our families to meet the adversary? What are you doing in your own homes to fortify your marriage or family, and prepare to meet the adversary on all sides?

The World's Version of Marriage

“As you go forth from BYU, you will likely encounter increasing debate about the definition of marriage. Many of your neighbors, colleagues, and friends will have never heard logical and inspired truths about the importance of marriage as God Himself defined it.” – Russel M. Nelson

Had you told me 10 years ago that this quote would be relevant in my personal life, I’m not sure that I would have believed you. Nor would I have believed that not one, but two of my very best friends would leave their husbands and children and turn to homosexuality. One of them even chose to marry her girlfriend. They have now been married for about five years.  

I cannot describe to you the extreme change in both of these dear friends. They each went from serving with me in leadership positions in the Church, to denying all that they used to testify of and teach. My heart aches for them. I love them and miss them with all my heart. But, as President Nelson mentions in his address, “…you will likely encounter increasing debate about the definition of marriage”, I can testify that that is true, even among our dearest friends and family.

In the Obergefell v. Hodges(2015) article, C.J. Roberts shares, “This universal definition of marriage as the union of a man and a woman is no historical coincidence. Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history—and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship.” As I have watched these two women leave their marriages, and leave their children with a less than stable condition I have seen happy, healthy, positive children, turn dark, sad, full of anger and hate for the whole world around them. These situations have literally changed these children forever, and left them feeling confused and alone.

As Roberts mentions raising children with a father and mother, in stable conditions is a vital need in homes and our communities. It is an eternal principle and one that will bless our lives through the eternities. We need to be prepared to stand up for the truths we believe and be prepared to be uncomfortable! It is no longer a time for us to sit idly by, we must defend God's teachings, even if it is at the expense of losing friendships. The pain associated with watching loved ones take a different path has been more than I can bear at times, especially as I watch their children suffer and struggle. But we can find joy in Sister Dew's message that, "If our lives and our faith are centered upon Jesus Christ and his restored gospel, nothing can ever go permanently wrong. . . . " 

"Preserving My Family"

“ …only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.” – President Spencer W. Kimball

As soon as I read those words my heart sank. “Why?? Why would my heart sink?!”, I thought to myself. I have a happy marriage, we are faithful and active in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, our children are all attending church with us, we read the scriptures…on and on and on. Then came the but…”But you can do better.” Tears still well up in my eyes as I type this, for I know those words were not my own, they were from a gentle and loving Heavenly Father who wants nothing more than for the entire Stabler family to be protected and preserved.

We have recently heard from our dear prophet, President Russell M. Nelson, that “…in coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost.” While I have had enough life experience and time to figure out how to keep the holy ghost close and to receive personal revelation for myself and my family, my children have not. And because of what President Nelson recently taught, “If we are to have any hope of sifting through the myriad of voices and the philosophies of men that attack truth, we must learn to receive revelation.”, I know that I need to do better to teach my children how to find their way and sift through those myriad of voices! I have to teach them how to protect themselves.

But how do I do that? We read scriptures most mornings (we’re about 80% for the week), so I know we can improve there, we say our prayers, etc, etc, but it is the “Come Follow Me” program that is ringing in my ears that I need to improve on. We have really struggled to find a way to implement that inspired program into our daily lives. I could give 101 excuses, but as I read that quote shown above from President Kimball, I knew that improving our studies in the new “Come Follow Me” program is what will help to preserve my family amidst the evil that grows around us daily.

While most Sunday’s we gather to discuss the Come Follow Me lessons, they aren’t very in depth, and I am often flustered. While this is no excuse, my husband is in the Stake Presidency and his Sunday plate is very full. We often don’t see him until 7:00pm on Sunday’s, at which point we are all exhausted. I try to lead these discussions without him, but the kids, especially teenagers don’t listen to me like they do him. I would love some inspiration and feedback on how you are a implementing the Come Follow Me program in your lives. Do you discuss it daily? Do you prepare a Sunday lesson? What has worked best for your family?