The Holiday Rush

One of the greatest bits of marriage advise that I was given was, decide in advance how you will spend your time with each family during the holidays. Too bad that advise came after 18 years of marriage! Haha. 

My husband and I had to learn the hard way how to divide our time between families during the holidays. We spent probably the first 15 years of our marriage (we're slow learners) fighting over every Thanksgiving, Christmas and Christmas Eve. It was hard! Both of our parents live within five minutes of one another, so they both expected us to be to their house too, if we had been at the others. "It's just so close! Why can't you stop by, even for 5 minutes?" (It's never 5 minutes) The pressure we felt from both sides was immense, and the guilt that we were given from our mother's if we didn't show, was often more than we could handle, so we would inevitably stop by both houses just to keep the peace.  It wasn't just our parents though, we both wanted to be with our own families, especially during the holidays. And because they did live so close we had a hard time finding the balance between our own time with our extended family, and establishing traditions with our own growing family. We definitely spent a lot of years trying to create our own marital identity and separating from our family of origin. 

It wasn't until our own children expressed a desire to stay home at Christmas. One of our children said, "Yeah, we hate rushing around Christmas morning, so we can get to Grammy's for breakfast; and we have to leave all our new toys and Christmas presents behind. We don't even get to enjoy the day! It's always rush, rush, rush." 

Ouch.

What a pivotal moment that became for our family.  We quickly realized that we had been so busy trying to please our parents (and ourselves), that we had forgot to take into consideration what our own little ones needed. 

We quickly made some changes, talked to our parents, like we should have 15 years prior, and kindly let them know the traditions we were going to be establishing for our own family. Shockingly, they responded well, and agreed that the grandchildren deserved to have a say in all of it. 

So, what advise do I now give to young engaged couples??....Establish how the holidays will be spent, now! Don't wait until after you are married, and make sure to share your plans with both families well in advance, so that they can have time to adjust to the changes. I truly believe that by doing this you can prevent a lot of hurt and frustration between you and your spouse, as well as the parents. 

Becoming One

Being married young has its advantages and disadvantages. My husband and I were married fairly young, at ages 19 and 21. There were a lot of years of growing up for us, those years included a lot of growing pains, as well. Some of the greatest growing pains that we encountered were those associated with each of us putting our own interests above our spouses.

One of our greatest obstacles was coming to an agreement on how much time we each got to spend out doing leisure activities, away from our spouse. Oh man, the tears and arguments that occurred over that topic – too many to count. I wanted to go shopping with my mom, my husband wanted to go golfing with his friends…there were ASU football games, and girls nights out, as well. It was a struggle! It all makes me chuckle, 20+ years later, but it was a real issue for us then.

The real issue though was not who got to do more leisure activities than the other, the issue was the lack of union, and the increased separation from one another. We were not united in our interest. Now, not wanting to go shopping with your wife and mother-in-law, does not mean that a husband isn’t united with his wife, for example. But when the time apart is hindering instead of helping the marriage, things need to be adjusted. So, adjustments we made.

We began with regular temple attendance together, as well as weekly date nights. Those two things alone increased our unity with one another, and not only brought us closer to each other, but closer to our Father in Heaven, as well. Doing those two things invited the Spirit into our marriage, and our home. Once we had an abundance of the Spirit in our marriage, we could more clearly align ourselves with His desires for us in our marriage, and with the things that our spouse was in need of.

President Eyring teaches, “Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony. The Spirit of God never generates. It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife. It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls.”

I can bear witness to the truthfulness of that quote. Once my husband and I had the Spirit in our marriage we were more unified, and there was less contention and disconnection between the two of us. We each had to let go of a lot of pride and selfishness, but as we did so our marriage was strengthened, and today we are blessed with an incredible marriage filled with joy, union,  and the Spirit.

"Abstain from all appearance of evil..."

This is an interesting week to be studying this topic,  as my husband and I have learned just this week that not one, not two, not three, but four...FOUR of our dear....REALLY dear high school and adult friends have all been involved with severe cases of infidelity. Each one of the instances are separate from the other, too. That make a total of eight marriages (the partners in infidelity were all married, too) that are now damaged and most likely destroyed because of infidelity. Hearts have been broken, as have eternal covenants in every one of these cases. 

As my husband and I discussed our heartbreak at the loss of trust for each of these spouses, and at the covenants that have been broken, with no real remorse or regard for them, we asked ourselves, how do we prevent such situations in our own marriage?? I love this quote from President Ezra Taft Benson that states, “A good question to ask ourselves is this: Would my spouse be pleased if he or she knew I was doing this? Would a wife be pleased to know that her husband lunches alone with his secretary? Would a husband be pleased if he saw his wife flirting and being coy with another man? My beloved brothers and sisters, this is what Paul men at when he said, “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22).”

Knowing a bit about how each of these cases of infidelity began I can testify that in each of those cases, had they stopped to ask themselves these questions from President Benson, that I would not be writing this post about our friends who are facing such a terrible tragedy, at the hands of Satan, in their married lives.

However, it is not just asking ourselves these questions that will stop infidelity in its tracks. There is a great deal more to it. In Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage”, he gives ten guidelines that can help to prevent trouble in our marriage. They are as listed, below…

• Do not allow the seeds of lust to germinate.
• Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.
• Take responsibility for the messages that you give.
• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.
• If you find yourself making excuses for continuing the relationship, you are addicted. Get help.
• Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse.
• Renew your spiritual efforts. Turn to the Lord in prayer
• Don't set yourself up for failure. Don't allow yourself to spend time alone with the person
• Keep your soul free of the soul-numbing barrenness of pornography.
• Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship

These ten guidelines can help prepare us for Satan’s greatest attacks. We should consider letting them guide us in our daily lives, because it is not a matter of if Satan will try to get us to violate our covenants, it is a matter of when. May each of us do our part to guard our eternal relationships with all our might and strength, and prepare to meet him with courage unmatched.

We have all know families affected by infidelity; in your experience can you see ways that the infidelity could have been prevented? Explain.

Also, of the ten guidelines by Goddard, which do you feel needs the most improvement in your own life and marriage? Might I encourage you to take this list to the Lord and ask Him what needs improvement and for His help in that area.

Detecting Dreams

Perpetual disagreements often result in “gridlock”. Gridlock in a marriage is when “Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it.” (197) Some of the issues that cause gridlock might seem minor and insignificant, but without the acknowledgement and respect from our spouse about the dreams and aspirations that we have, we can find ourselves going nowhere in our relationships, seeing no improvement…stuck. In gridlock.

I have been in gridlock in my own marriage. Most of us have. In fact, “All couples have irreconcilable differences.” (196) I found that statement interesting, as most of us have heard that the number one reason for divorce is “irreconcilable differences”. So, if all couples have irreconcilable differences than why don’t allcouples get divorced? How do some couples manage to maintain a successful marriage and others don’t, when we all have irreconcilable differences? The difference between the two types of couples is the ability to detect one another’s dreams. Detect dreams?? “Like know what our spouse dreams about while they are sleeping?”, you might ask. No, not really. But sorta. The difference is that happy couples are aware of their spouse’s dreams; of the things that their spouse wants the most in life. It is different for all of us, but we each have something we dream of. Often times it is deeply rooted in our childhood experiences. For example, one spouse might long to have family dinners together that are uninterrupted by television or electronics, while the other spouse may resist family dinners because of hostility between your parents during dinnertime, as a child. No dream is inherently bad for a marriage; it is when our dreams are hidden or our spouse does not respect our dreams that can cause problems.

So, how do we get to that point in our marriage that we can detect dreams and avoid gridlock? It comes down to learning how to openly discuss each person’s position is so important to them, and even the history behind their position. When we can sit and listen to our spouse with love and compassion we will quickly find that their position makes perfect sense, and might even find ourselves anxious to accommodate them. Larry K. Langlois. A marriage and family counselor teaches in his article, “When Couples Don’t Listen to Each Other”, that “Listening is basic to all relationships. The better listening skills we have, the better equipped we are to develop healthy, fulfilling relationships….The Lord urges us to “be still and know that I am God.” (D&C 101:16 (Links to an external site.).) This suggests that we cannot understand God or hear whatever message he might have for us if we are unwilling to be still and listen.”

What are some of your dreams? Have you shared them with your spouse lately? What are your spouse’s dreams? If you don’t know…go…go ask them. Today! Go see what gridlocks you can break in your own marriage. The blessings of this challenge will be eternal.