Detecting Dreams

Perpetual disagreements often result in “gridlock”. Gridlock in a marriage is when “Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it.” (197) Some of the issues that cause gridlock might seem minor and insignificant, but without the acknowledgement and respect from our spouse about the dreams and aspirations that we have, we can find ourselves going nowhere in our relationships, seeing no improvement…stuck. In gridlock.

I have been in gridlock in my own marriage. Most of us have. In fact, “All couples have irreconcilable differences.” (196) I found that statement interesting, as most of us have heard that the number one reason for divorce is “irreconcilable differences”. So, if all couples have irreconcilable differences than why don’t allcouples get divorced? How do some couples manage to maintain a successful marriage and others don’t, when we all have irreconcilable differences? The difference between the two types of couples is the ability to detect one another’s dreams. Detect dreams?? “Like know what our spouse dreams about while they are sleeping?”, you might ask. No, not really. But sorta. The difference is that happy couples are aware of their spouse’s dreams; of the things that their spouse wants the most in life. It is different for all of us, but we each have something we dream of. Often times it is deeply rooted in our childhood experiences. For example, one spouse might long to have family dinners together that are uninterrupted by television or electronics, while the other spouse may resist family dinners because of hostility between your parents during dinnertime, as a child. No dream is inherently bad for a marriage; it is when our dreams are hidden or our spouse does not respect our dreams that can cause problems.

So, how do we get to that point in our marriage that we can detect dreams and avoid gridlock? It comes down to learning how to openly discuss each person’s position is so important to them, and even the history behind their position. When we can sit and listen to our spouse with love and compassion we will quickly find that their position makes perfect sense, and might even find ourselves anxious to accommodate them. Larry K. Langlois. A marriage and family counselor teaches in his article, “When Couples Don’t Listen to Each Other”, that “Listening is basic to all relationships. The better listening skills we have, the better equipped we are to develop healthy, fulfilling relationships….The Lord urges us to “be still and know that I am God.” (D&C 101:16 (Links to an external site.).) This suggests that we cannot understand God or hear whatever message he might have for us if we are unwilling to be still and listen.”

What are some of your dreams? Have you shared them with your spouse lately? What are your spouse’s dreams? If you don’t know…go…go ask them. Today! Go see what gridlocks you can break in your own marriage. The blessings of this challenge will be eternal.