Detecting Dreams

Perpetual disagreements often result in “gridlock”. Gridlock in a marriage is when “Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it.” (197) Some of the issues that cause gridlock might seem minor and insignificant, but without the acknowledgement and respect from our spouse about the dreams and aspirations that we have, we can find ourselves going nowhere in our relationships, seeing no improvement…stuck. In gridlock.

I have been in gridlock in my own marriage. Most of us have. In fact, “All couples have irreconcilable differences.” (196) I found that statement interesting, as most of us have heard that the number one reason for divorce is “irreconcilable differences”. So, if all couples have irreconcilable differences than why don’t allcouples get divorced? How do some couples manage to maintain a successful marriage and others don’t, when we all have irreconcilable differences? The difference between the two types of couples is the ability to detect one another’s dreams. Detect dreams?? “Like know what our spouse dreams about while they are sleeping?”, you might ask. No, not really. But sorta. The difference is that happy couples are aware of their spouse’s dreams; of the things that their spouse wants the most in life. It is different for all of us, but we each have something we dream of. Often times it is deeply rooted in our childhood experiences. For example, one spouse might long to have family dinners together that are uninterrupted by television or electronics, while the other spouse may resist family dinners because of hostility between your parents during dinnertime, as a child. No dream is inherently bad for a marriage; it is when our dreams are hidden or our spouse does not respect our dreams that can cause problems.

So, how do we get to that point in our marriage that we can detect dreams and avoid gridlock? It comes down to learning how to openly discuss each person’s position is so important to them, and even the history behind their position. When we can sit and listen to our spouse with love and compassion we will quickly find that their position makes perfect sense, and might even find ourselves anxious to accommodate them. Larry K. Langlois. A marriage and family counselor teaches in his article, “When Couples Don’t Listen to Each Other”, that “Listening is basic to all relationships. The better listening skills we have, the better equipped we are to develop healthy, fulfilling relationships….The Lord urges us to “be still and know that I am God.” (D&C 101:16 (Links to an external site.).) This suggests that we cannot understand God or hear whatever message he might have for us if we are unwilling to be still and listen.”

What are some of your dreams? Have you shared them with your spouse lately? What are your spouse’s dreams? If you don’t know…go…go ask them. Today! Go see what gridlocks you can break in your own marriage. The blessings of this challenge will be eternal.

The Antidote to Pride

“Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers.” -Lynn G. Robbins

I love this analogy that Elder Robbins gives of a recipe for anger. I think we can all relate to tempers flaring up, especially in our marriages. We start with a little frustration over a situation, and our spouse doesn’t agree, so we become more upset. We then add in some unkind words, to let them know just how upset we are, and we let that fester and boil inside our spouse and ourselves for a few hours, or even days. We think things have cooled off, but they have really only thickened and gained some more intense “flavor”. After things have become cold between us, then repeat the cycle all over again.

Sound familiar?

Of course, it does. It is exactly what Satan wants and what he has been creating in marriages for centuries. “His strategy is to stir up anger between family members.” He also wants us to believe that we don’t have control over our anger…that our spouse made us feel angry with their actions and words. But this is false! Elder Robbins teaches, “Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry.

We choose!”

There have been many times in my own marriage where I have chosen to be angry at my husband. Chosen, because I wanted him to pay the price for what he did to upset me. I wanted justice. I wanted him to be just as upset and hurt as I was, or I simply wanted to be right, and wanted my way. There is so much pride involved in anger, and I have maintained a good sense of pridefulness in my 20 years of marriage….not something I am proud of. That’s an ironic statement… .  Maybe because that pride, stubbornness, and anger never really made me happy, nor did it actually help me to “get my way”.

So how can we avoid this pride in our marriages?

Elder Uchtdorf teaches, “The great enemy of charity is pride. Pride is one of the biggest reasons marriages and families struggle. Pride is short-tempered, unkind, and envious. Pride exaggerates its own strength and ignores the virtues of others. Pride is selfish and easily provoked.” I love that first sentence, “the great enemy of charity is pride”…that would mean that the antidote to pride is charity! Showing our spouse charity, even when we don’t feel they deserve it… and maybe especially we feel they don’t deserve it is the key to our happiness in our marriages. As we let our love for our spouse conquer over our pride we will find greater harmony in our marriages, less contention, and stronger bonds than we have ever had before.

What are the ways that you like to show charity to your spouse or family? Do you have any experiences when you have shown charity instead of anger? 

Pride Goeth Before A Fall

I always find it interesting how Heavenly Father knows the topics we need in our lives, and the places that He chooses to teach us.

I currently have the honor of serving as a missionary for LDS Family Services, serving as a facilitator with my companion in the Addiction Recovery Program. We run the Spouse and Family Support Group that serves women who are supporting their spouse or family member who is battling addictions. This program has a manual that is completely separate from the traditional ARP manual, but just yesterday I felt very inspired to begin going through the ARP manual and its lessons, in addition to our Support manual. I do not have an addiction myself, but the prompting was so clear that I could not ignore it. I still don’t know why I am supposed to study this ARP manual, that isn’t 100% specific to my calling, but I’m being obedient. ;)

So, as I read through Step/Lesson #1 it is titled, “Honesty”. As the lesson goes on there is a section titled, “Action Steps” and the second step is “LET GO OF PRIDE AND SEEK HUMILITY”. What?! How coincidental is that?! A lesson on pride in this class, and a lesson on pride in this ARP manual that I was inspired to read. Clearly Heavenly Father is trying to teach me something! What is even more interesting is that the section in the ARP manual quote the exact same talk by President Ezra Taft Benson, that this class does! What are the odds?!

The section in the ARP manual reads…

“Pride and honesty cannot coexist. Pride is an illusion and is an essential element of all addiction. Pride distorts the truth about things as they are, as they have been, and as they will be. It is a major obstacle to your recovery. President Ezra Taft Benson defined pride:

“Pride is a very misunderstood sin. . . .

 “Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

“The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’ It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

“Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of ‘my will and not thine be done.’ . . .

 “Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled (see Alma 38:12; 3 Nephi 12:30).

“The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives (see Helaman 12:6). They pit their perceptions of truth against God’s great knowledge, their abilities versus God’s priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works

 As you become willing to abstain and admit the problems you face, your pride will gradually be replaced with humility.”

I simply love this message! Pride can become so prevalent in our marriages, my own included. I know I am guilty of pride especially in the competitive sense, when I pit my will against my husbands, or even with God’s. I have always viewed pride as conceit or arrogance, but as I read these lessons I was able to see the pride I have in my own life, and marriage and how I have been affecting our relationship with my lack of humility.

Have you been able to recognize pride in your own marriage or relationships? If so, how are you going to work to abstain from it?

Turning Towards Our Spouse

image: www.cheatsheet.com

In President Russell M. Nelsons talk, “Nurturing Marriage”, he tells the story of a couple that he  sat behind on an airplane, during his recent travels. He tells how lovingly the wife rubbed the back of her husband’s neck, and nestled her head onto his shoulder. She was obviously seeking his companionship. However, in contrast, the husband was almost oblivious to his wife’s presence. His focus was 100% on his electronic device. President Nelson stated, “Not once did he look at her, speak to her, or acknowledge her yearning for affection.”

Sadly, I believe this is an all too common occurrence today. While not all individuals spend their time gaming or even on social media, the tendency to constantly check text messages and emails, is ever increasing. In the book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the author states, “…it doesn’t help that many workplaces expect employees to be available via email or social media during off hours.”

I have experienced this first hand with my husband. He has a very demanding job as well as church calling. The texts and email are almost incessant. While I 100% support my husband in his work and church callings, sometimes things got to be excessive. He would come home from work, and continue to reply to emails, and other messages. While I know these emails need to be answered, my husband typically answered them on his cell phone versus his computer. I would often get frustrated, as I felt like he was playing games, or just viewing social media. This was not the case, but to me a cell phone is for leisure instead of work, and that was how I was viewing it….he came home from work, sat on the couch and played games. That was my perspective. When I finally confronted him about it, he informed me that he would never sit around on the sofa “gaming” while I was working in the home or helping children, and that he was simply trying to stay caught up on emails.

My accusations could have easily turned into a marital conflict, but because of my husband’s gentle nature and ability to not get defensive, we were able to work out an arrangement and this became a solvable problem versus a perpetual problem. What was our solution? Our solution was that if my husband still needed to answer emails after work, that he would do so on his laptop. His laptop would signify “work” instead of “leisure”, as the cell phone does for me. We also agreed that one hour would be an acceptable amount of time after work hours for him to spend answering work and church emails or messages.

I am grateful for this experience and opportunity it gave my husband and I to turn towards one another. I could have easily let my perceptions of my husbands cell phone usage to fester and fester until I was no longer at a point where I was willing to come to an agreement. And as we learn in D&C 64:33, "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."

It is in the small things such a good communication and understanding of our spouses personal situations that can lead to greater forms of love and support for one another.

In the talk I mentioned above, President Nelson gives three actions verbs that can help strengthen our marriages - to appreciate, to communicate, and to contemplate. Here is what he has to say about communication, “Good communication includes taking time to plan together. Couples need private time to observe, to talk, and really listen to each other. They need to cooperate—helping each other as equal partners. They need to nurture their spiritual as well as physical intimacy. They should strive to elevate and motivate each other. Marital unity is sustained when goals are mutually understood. Good communication is also enhanced by prayer. To pray with specific mention of a spouse’s good deed (or need) nurtures a marriage.”

What are some ways that you have practiced or witnessed good communication in marriage?