Turning Towards Our Spouse

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In President Russell M. Nelsons talk, “Nurturing Marriage”, he tells the story of a couple that he  sat behind on an airplane, during his recent travels. He tells how lovingly the wife rubbed the back of her husband’s neck, and nestled her head onto his shoulder. She was obviously seeking his companionship. However, in contrast, the husband was almost oblivious to his wife’s presence. His focus was 100% on his electronic device. President Nelson stated, “Not once did he look at her, speak to her, or acknowledge her yearning for affection.”

Sadly, I believe this is an all too common occurrence today. While not all individuals spend their time gaming or even on social media, the tendency to constantly check text messages and emails, is ever increasing. In the book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the author states, “…it doesn’t help that many workplaces expect employees to be available via email or social media during off hours.”

I have experienced this first hand with my husband. He has a very demanding job as well as church calling. The texts and email are almost incessant. While I 100% support my husband in his work and church callings, sometimes things got to be excessive. He would come home from work, and continue to reply to emails, and other messages. While I know these emails need to be answered, my husband typically answered them on his cell phone versus his computer. I would often get frustrated, as I felt like he was playing games, or just viewing social media. This was not the case, but to me a cell phone is for leisure instead of work, and that was how I was viewing it….he came home from work, sat on the couch and played games. That was my perspective. When I finally confronted him about it, he informed me that he would never sit around on the sofa “gaming” while I was working in the home or helping children, and that he was simply trying to stay caught up on emails.

My accusations could have easily turned into a marital conflict, but because of my husband’s gentle nature and ability to not get defensive, we were able to work out an arrangement and this became a solvable problem versus a perpetual problem. What was our solution? Our solution was that if my husband still needed to answer emails after work, that he would do so on his laptop. His laptop would signify “work” instead of “leisure”, as the cell phone does for me. We also agreed that one hour would be an acceptable amount of time after work hours for him to spend answering work and church emails or messages.

I am grateful for this experience and opportunity it gave my husband and I to turn towards one another. I could have easily let my perceptions of my husbands cell phone usage to fester and fester until I was no longer at a point where I was willing to come to an agreement. And as we learn in D&C 64:33, "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."

It is in the small things such a good communication and understanding of our spouses personal situations that can lead to greater forms of love and support for one another.

In the talk I mentioned above, President Nelson gives three actions verbs that can help strengthen our marriages - to appreciate, to communicate, and to contemplate. Here is what he has to say about communication, “Good communication includes taking time to plan together. Couples need private time to observe, to talk, and really listen to each other. They need to cooperate—helping each other as equal partners. They need to nurture their spiritual as well as physical intimacy. They should strive to elevate and motivate each other. Marital unity is sustained when goals are mutually understood. Good communication is also enhanced by prayer. To pray with specific mention of a spouse’s good deed (or need) nurtures a marriage.”

What are some ways that you have practiced or witnessed good communication in marriage?